[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Miscakes
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I need to get some bricks…
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.