Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

adding to the discourse

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.