Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
tourist season
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.