Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there