[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
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The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
We’ve come full circle
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar