Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
consequences, the bane of my existence
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.