[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*