Seems a bit forward
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs