Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The booster protects against what, now?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media