Seems kinda suspicious
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness