seems like a niche market
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want