Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.