Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Yep.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}