Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Education is vital
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Any refunds available?…
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me as a parent
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed