*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna