@offbeatoliv The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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@offbeatoliv 
@PoodleSnarf Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
@IamEveryDayPpl Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
@Reverend_Scott Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
@ddsmidt I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
@benmathaicomedy ‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
@LuckyLea13 I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
@Jake_Vig Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”