*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.