@

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

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@offbeatoliv

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

@IamEveryDayPpl

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

@

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

@ddsmidt

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

@benmathaicomedy

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”