*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.


Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?


Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*


Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.


I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.


‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself



“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”