The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”