*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant