[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
these two trucks have the same bed length
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…