*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok