*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
How does one answer this?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate