[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.