*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.