*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
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I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.