*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
There is no “we” in pizza
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.