(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?