[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.