*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
👾👾👾
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.