*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The 4 stages of a family vacation
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
for all #parents out there
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop