[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.