[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.