*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.