[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
water it, i dare you
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t