[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
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DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Yes my dude
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
This is a bad sign
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.