[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information