*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m listening
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Lube but for my dry humor.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure