*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
You Might Also Like
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.