If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*throws flashlight at him
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”