*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Van Gone
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls