*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
You Might Also Like
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
peep davidson
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
man: wait
time: no
Those are good neighbors.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.