*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I saw this ending much differently.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.