*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken