*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
You Might Also Like
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
How actors in movies eat their food
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Your honor these allegations are
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.