Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.