*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap