[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Gods work.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No