[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right