[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
the #horror is real!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook