[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…