*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

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Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?


{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.


It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.


Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash


Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol


Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”


I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.


If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.


Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now


FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.