*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma