[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?