*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Children of the corn 🌽
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.