[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.